Dreams

“- I’m sorry that because of me you have to sacrifice your dreams”

– But now I have a new dream.

– What’s that?

– You. Us. Our adventure.”

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Finally, home.

Suddenly I find it extremely difficult to get some sleep today. Despite the fact that I am having an early and important meeting tomorrow, and a full day packed in training (super sleepy, you tell me!). Maybe I will grab some coffee to start tomorrow then…

The time is coming close. I have weird feelings about this. Very excited to move back. Very longing to see my bubbly cutie soon-to-be hubby. And a bit nostalgic. Not as much as I expect I would be. Maybe it hasn’t really hit me yet that I will not be walking into the familiar Bitexco and wandering around the street of Nguyen Hue anytime anyday anymore. But these days make me think very much about how times fly, and how much I have changed, since I moved here.

2012. When I first started this blog. My 21-year-old self never imagined how life would turn out in Saigon. How I would stumble, fall, and stand up, and keep moving forward like I have been doing restlessly in the past 5 years. 

These days make me think about this very period of time last year. When I stopped my long-due relationship. A tiring one I must say. When I really for the first time feel empty but at the same time very peaceful for not being attached to anyone, by any reason, emotionally and physically. For the first time I feel free, content, and happy. I collect the feelings I had – those very precious feelings- in songs of Damien. Like I could just close my eyes, put on his latest album, and feel the same thing all over again.

These days I have the joy reminiscing with my fiance how life would have turned out differently if he didn’t make a move and if he wasn’t so determined to be with me. I never imagine how finally I could find happiness. Fulfilled, well-rounded happiness. The kind of happiness that makes me feel so woman, helps me discover the sides of myself that I never knew I had, and gives me the courage and strengths to go through these days. I feel so thankful for him to have never given up on me, not under any circumstances, not even when I pushed him away. So much thankful.

I don’t know what might come next. You never know right? I live by each day these days by treasuring more things I have, and the things I had. Keeping up some hopes, trying every possible way I can to reach my “goal”, give myself some reasons to believe and trust this “turning-point” decision of mine. Learning to think simply, act freely, and loosen up a bit, lay back a bit, rest in his arms and feel so safe and peaceful that I’m finally gonna be… home :)

Where I am right now

Waking up at the middle of the night, after a long sleep. You already warned me about this, about the fact that if I sleeped then I would wake up at midnight. I was stubborn and so sleepy that I ignore your words :p

Where Am I Right Now? 

Middle life crisis I guess. 

I desperately need a job, even though I shouldn’t be. I know I am such a capable person, whose potential is so huge, and I struggle to understand why it is so hard, so-fucking-hard, to get a job where I was born and raised. Still can’t get it.

I have everything I want in my personal life but suddenly everything needs to change – new life in Hanoi, adapt back to my home, different friends (I’m gonna miss my friends in HCMC so much, only a few but I love them…) and surrounded by my relatives (whom I love, but, you know…).

And then I realize, I have never had such courage. My personal life has always been a mess that I want to run away from. My job is good but not great yet still can be an excuse for me. I never have such courage to give it all and come back and be with my mom, even though I love her so much and I just really want to be with her and I know if I am not I will be regretting it for the rest of my life. I realize never in my life I’m in this stage, uncertainty but still able to move on. Maybe thanks to you my baby. Who has been my strength, my shelter, my rock for me to lean on. Who has been whispering “everything is gonna be alright” every single night and holds my hand tight and does everything he can to make me believe it. I feel lucky.

I love you. I do. So much. 

Let’s go through this stage together and I can’t wait to start a new life with you :)

Too stressful

Im not good handling pressure. Pressure of me putting on myself. Pressure of wanting something too much. Pressure of sitting there and anticipating next moves and planning stuff and guessing and wishing.

And those thoughts and guesses and anticipation just run around and around in my head. And this heavy feeling in the heart. How to stop?

Us

Everything starts to feel “real”. It is true: One day you will find someone who make you realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else. One day you will find that one person who is there for you no matter what, who are everything you could ever ask for or dream of. Who will be a strong hard shoulder for you to lean on, who wraps you in his arms and make you feel like home. this is it. the time has come. you are wrapped in bubbly love and you feel so happy so safe so peaceful that sometimes you can’t believe it’s real.

But it is. It’s real. It’s us. It’s you.

I miss u

My biggest nightmare these days is that I suddenly wake up and everything between us is just a dream and you are not here anymore. So scared it sheds me to tears.