How I am overcoming body-shaming and ridiculous comments

That’s Hanoi. My very hometown. Full of people who always tend to give bodyshaming and careless comments and ridiculously judge you like they have a role in your life.

Everytime an acquaintance meets u, he/she serves the right to drop a comment on u like they know it all. Despite how hurtful and ridiculous that commentis, they just drop it and move on. Leaving you with a lot of thoughts and wonders. Like my weight, my belly, how to take care of a newborn, how much breastfed milk I’m gonna have, and how to raise a kid “properly”… like the whole society has a “standard” that you either live up to it or you die. But noone’s really sure whether that standard is good or bad. And with pregnant ladies like me, the whole idea of carrying a baby inside you and sacrificing all it takes to deliver that baby safe and sound is already terrified, let alone other burdens and judgement lie on top of that.

I am not a person who deals with it very well. Said I don’t care but sometimes I actually do. Maybe because of the competitiveness in my vein. Or maybe because of the needs to satisfy everyone and to score high in every category that I was raised with. Mom always demand me to be perfect. And know I’m obsessed with perfection and with what the society thinks of me. Sometimes it drives me crazy and I feel like just want to give a fuck to the world.

I feel so lucky I have you. My beloved hubby. To help me restore my confidence. To tell me that I am the most beautiful woman simple as I am and I don’t have to give a fuck about how the world thinks.

Sometimes it still affects me. Those hurtful words. Esp. now when my hormones are crazy. I sometimes cry at night or feel headaches cuz I think of it too much. But I just need your hugs around me and tell me it’s all nothing and tell me how you love me for who I am, no more, no less. That’s enough… :)

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Viết cho Gạo

Tuần này Gạo của mẹ đã cán mốc 20 tuần. Theo các bác sĩ thì con đã chính thức được coi là một “sinh linh”, trước chỉ được coi là fetus thôi hehe. Nhưng với mẹ con đã là một sinh linh bé bỏng kiên cường nhất mẹ từng thấy. Cùng mẹ vượt qua bao cảm xúc bao khó khăn từ những ngày đầu con đến với mẹ đến giờ. Mỗi lần được đi siêu âm được nhìn thấy con là mẹ vui lắm con biết không. Bé Gạo thần kì có khả năng biến mẹ thành “1 người khác”, đảo lộn mọi priorities, sở thích, niềm vui của mẹ. Mẹ mong lắm từng ngày được gặp con đó Gạo Gạo àh, hehe. Viết những dòng này thật sến nhưng mẹ muốn con biết là mẹ yêu con thật nhiều đến thế nào và hành trình 5 tháng vừa qua với mẹ là những điều tuyệt vời nhất. Can’t wait for another 4.5 months for us to meet! Gạo ngoan cố lên nhé rồi mẹ sẽ ẵm bồng con sớm thôi. Mẹ yêu con ❤️

A few words for you

Baby Rice

I don’t know what else to do so I write these few words. Don’t scare me baby. Mommy know I haven’t exactly been the nicest sweetest and best Mommy for you. I have done so many things wrong and I was careless. But please don’t scare me. I am crying like I never before and it amazes me how much I could cry for something I haven’t even known of… it’s called instinct, isn’t it?

Now I pray God that you are strong. You stay strong my little Rice and I am staying strong for you too. Together we will fight through this.

Please don’t say that you want to leave because you are so little and I am so longing for you my baby. I promise I will be good, so don’t scare me ok?

A night full of loneliness and terror…

***Update:

Checked up today. You are still there, safe and sound. Don’t scare me like that ever again will u?????? Send you thousands of hugs and kisses and I can’t wait to spend the next 8 months and the rest of my life with you :):):)

18

Viết cho anh.

18 tháng mòn mỏi yêu nhau. Hehe nghe ít nhỉ. Ở bên anh cảm giác như chẳng còn khái niệm dài ngắn nhanh chậm gì nữa. Chỉ có cảm giác như mình thuộc về nhau đã từ bao giờ rồi, thân quen lắm rồi.

Ở bên anh cảm giác không phải là cái thứ tình yêu vồ vập vờn bắt nhau. Mà là thứ tình yêu thương nhau xót nhau, thứ tình cảm cứ phải quấn lấy nhau tay đan xen vào nhau mới ngủ được. Thứ tình cảm mà cứ nồng nàn nhẹ nhàng nhưng sâu đậm. Biết rằng mình yêu và được yêu rất nhiều.

Ở bên anh cứ mỗi phút mỗi giây em lại thấy may mắn vì mình tìm được nhau, mình được ở bên nhau. Đôi khi là hạnh phúc là may mắn là vui vẻ nhiều quá mà cứ hồi hộp không biết sắp tới ra sao, thế nào. Vì ko muốn những điều này biến mất đi chút nào.

Hay vì mới 18 tháng nên vậy hả anh? Nếu thế thì mình cùng nhau viết thêm 18 năm, 180 năm yêu nhau thật nhiều nữa nhé… cho khỏi băn khoăn!

Love you. So much.

Life after marriage

Haven’t written anything for a while. Weird. Was I so lazy or was I too busy? Maybe both.

Update world: i’m married. Yes I am. Happily and “in-love” married. And life after marrying him has been good. I have had the best moments truely finding my “the one”. Feels like I have grown up so fast just after a few years.

Brother is moving away. I feel worried for my mom. Not sure how she will deal with it. Really. She must be very very lonely, i suppose. I dont know what to do what to say to make things better. And i don’t want a kid coming along to be a solution to it. I’m not even sure I want a kid…

:)

Dreams

“- I’m sorry that because of me you have to sacrifice your dreams”

– But now I have a new dream.

– What’s that?

– You. Us. Our adventure.”

Finally, home.

Suddenly I find it extremely difficult to get some sleep today. Despite the fact that I am having an early and important meeting tomorrow, and a full day packed in training (super sleepy, you tell me!). Maybe I will grab some coffee to start tomorrow then…

The time is coming close. I have weird feelings about this. Very excited to move back. Very longing to see my bubbly cutie soon-to-be hubby. And a bit nostalgic. Not as much as I expect I would be. Maybe it hasn’t really hit me yet that I will not be walking into the familiar Bitexco and wandering around the street of Nguyen Hue anytime anyday anymore. But these days make me think very much about how times fly, and how much I have changed, since I moved here.

2012. When I first started this blog. My 21-year-old self never imagined how life would turn out in Saigon. How I would stumble, fall, and stand up, and keep moving forward like I have been doing restlessly in the past 5 years. 

These days make me think about this very period of time last year. When I stopped my long-due relationship. A tiring one I must say. When I really for the first time feel empty but at the same time very peaceful for not being attached to anyone, by any reason, emotionally and physically. For the first time I feel free, content, and happy. I collect the feelings I had – those very precious feelings- in songs of Damien. Like I could just close my eyes, put on his latest album, and feel the same thing all over again.

These days I have the joy reminiscing with my fiance how life would have turned out differently if he didn’t make a move and if he wasn’t so determined to be with me. I never imagine how finally I could find happiness. Fulfilled, well-rounded happiness. The kind of happiness that makes me feel so woman, helps me discover the sides of myself that I never knew I had, and gives me the courage and strengths to go through these days. I feel so thankful for him to have never given up on me, not under any circumstances, not even when I pushed him away. So much thankful.

I don’t know what might come next. You never know right? I live by each day these days by treasuring more things I have, and the things I had. Keeping up some hopes, trying every possible way I can to reach my “goal”, give myself some reasons to believe and trust this “turning-point” decision of mine. Learning to think simply, act freely, and loosen up a bit, lay back a bit, rest in his arms and feel so safe and peaceful that I’m finally gonna be… home :)